Rubble

Born in september mom and dad resent her
Forlorn nights in a tent her only home she remembers
Left to fend for herself on her tenth year in hell
Common sense and street smarts, walks a fence as she starts the hunt
Out in the night sweeps the streets as she seeks sustainance
Hoping to find something that's gonna be enough for lunch and its hard
She hunts and its cold and dark, it's night
A basket on her shoulder to hold what she might
Find, but the night fades to gray
So she fights through the day
Feels the bites of the pains
Of hunger that makes it a joke to pray
In time she starts to listen to lies in her head
About reasons and seasons for life living dead
The cruel voice is searing her mind in it's vice
And she knows she has choice but the noise wont suffice
and she doesn't feel so young, she's begun to wonder as it haunts her
Seeking why life has flung her in the slum and no one wants her
as tonite she hunts the dumps, the drains, the back alleyways
and as the winter sun sets she goes out on her raids
Trash cans and bus stops, piles of garbage and whatnot,
Tonight all she finds stuck in a knot of wood a nut caught
But that's all that she gets to, in her mind she's alone
Out in a world that won't care, she's out there on her own
A lump wells in her throat and she fights to ignore it
But after days of no hope seems to have nothing for it
The pain's the same and day by day doesn't change and
The waning moon hangs up there framed by the rain
Thru the night she fights but the wounds stay with her
And drag her down, down til her life starts to wither
and then for the first time since two years ago
She drops down to the ground, overburdened lets go, and

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now

And now she's on the ground, her feet failing to take her
Tell me what we can do now that's going to save her?!
She pulls her shawl 'round, the wind bites, starts to make her
Hands and feet go numb now, takin over to shake her
While the night closes in, forces catching her soul
With just the moon as a light the hard pavement is cold
She feels with her hand, tries to pull herself on
The basket with her meager days' findings is gone
And her heart runs on but out here she can't find
Anybody's warm hand to hold, no, the dream's in her mind
As the cold takes her over and her tears spill down
Streaking her face and dripping on her torn nighty gown
She cries for her mother and brother, back home they're
In bed,,doesn't matter, they won't hear her, won't come
Hopelesness fills the small helpless body that shivers
And no one is there to cry and feel the pain with her
With dust and dirt in her mouth, mud and grass in her hair
More than hunger and thirst, wishes someone was there
To hold her sweet head thru the terrible pain and to
Shelter her body from the frozen night rain
Well is there anyone there? Does nobody care?!
Why the are we silent when life isn't fair?
Our jobs and our money mean more than their pain
But if we could help them, be the shelter from rain
We would do these things unto the Father above
And have shown someone peace and the power of Love
And still

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now
She screams out
It's hollow and drowning
So weak now
There's thousands around her
But she is just the scenery
The pain she feels no one can see
She blends into the garbage and the rubble that we throw away

Love of Jesus rain down on this poor soul tonight and
Fill her up from the inside with your power and might and
Light her ways, oh God, give her the hope
That she needs to walk straight this precarious rope
Through your people, God work, put your children to action
Move us and use us with love and compassion
For anxiety, sadness is all that they've known and
For ages of worry it's all that they've sown and
Their small piles of rubble is all that they own and
They moan, for their hurt-torn souls are alone and
Father God, please help me to be selfless enough
To hold the starved and bruised bodies of these poor children up
And help me to remember every day when I pray
To Pray, God please help them just get thru one more day
And say: Oh God, rebuke me, my heart fails to care
And my eyes are so blind that I can't see them there anymore
Is it fair that we work for our paychecks and then
Go on out to some strip mall and liberally spend?
Or if we con't we put money away towards ourselves
To pay for a new car or to chock-stock our shelves?
Shame on us when we just walk on, just walk on
No so much as a glance for the right or the wrong
To the left or the right, we dare not cast a light
Lest we place all the things we like hidden in sight
Alright, so half us gathered in here tonight
Will go home, walk up the stairs, turn off the light
Forget all I just said as we climb into our beds
Rid it all from our heads, and dream of ourselves instead
And still

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now
She screams out
It's hollow and drowning
So weak now
There's thousands around her
But she is just the scenery
The pain she feels no one can see
She blends into the garbage and the rubble that we throw away

Humility

Today sucked.
I worked fedex and then came straight home on a bike, took a shower, and made a 2.5 hour trip thru snow on bike to staunton to work til 8. It sucked so bad. I'm not sure how I did it.
Gotta do it again tomorrow though. Fortunately the roads aren't half as bad anymore tho.
You know...I got very angry today. Out of the thirty or so trucks that passed me on the road, none of them responded to my "i want a ride" hitchiker's thumb. And of course there's that young driver (there is one every time I ride) who just wants to either get u dirty or pretend he's going to hit you and this guy sprayed me with wet snow from his truck by gunning the engine after he passed me. I was very upset by the time I got to work and I was hating people once again. I know it's a sin but...people suck. Anyhow, of course I was also selfish and feeling sorry for myself and that's a sin too. And so tonight...when I'm so worn down I can hardly see straight...I realized something. God becomse so much more real when you seek Him out of desperation and a humble heart. I have been nothing but humiliated for a while now and I came to God today and after being convicted of crappy language, I realized how foolish I am. How I still have so much compared to some people. Yes, I may not have driving privelages, or lots of money, but I have a beautiful family and I know a merciful God and that's a whole whole lot more than a lot of people can say.
I am humbled. And thankful.

Just Barely

So the other night I was getting ready to bike home and it was freezing outside and I'd forgotten my wallet that day so needless to say I was STARVED, especially after the bike ride that morning. Anyhow, I was feeling all sorry for myself and as I was pulling (pedaling) out and you know those bell-ringers who stand in front of the stores and...ring bells? ha ha, well there was like eight kids doing this one store and they were all like between eight and ten years old and I rode past them and they were like "merry christmas sir!" and this one kid, he told me I had a nice bike and it stopped me in my tracks. (Not literally, but u kno...) Anyhow, so I turned around and was asking about who they were doing the charity thing for and all that and they were so cute and warm-hearted and the rest of my ride home was great. God uses the simplest things.
Also, just watched War Of The Worlds with my sister and brother (the new one) and I decided I really want a little girl like Rachel in that movie. I wanted to be her daddy ha ha ha I felt so ridiculous, and WHOEVER IS READING THIS, U BETTER NOT EVER MENTION THAT TO ANYONE!!!!! lol

Anyhow, my calc final is tomorrow. Not ready but getting there.

God will continue to provide. Just barely. Ha ha

Another Foot Forward

Calc final on tuesday. I am anxious for it to be over.

Just watched The Muppets' Christmas Carol with the twins and sylvia. Beaker came into the picture and I laughed aloud remembering when lauren told me that that's one of her nicknames ha ha ha. Befitting ha ha

Trying to secure two jobs in Harrisonburg.

VERY tired and brain dead. I can hardly think of anything to write here.

It is good to put emotion aside to find where you really stand.

I am now battling my mind.

Curse this hatred for humankind. And curse the dreams that confuse reality.

Another foot forward.

Studying all day today.

Burying a goat in the frozen backyard in a few minutes.

Work this evening til 1030.

Final exam tomorrow.

The Older I Get - Skillet

The walls between
You and I

Always pushing us apart nothing left but scars fight after fight
And it makes me wonder

The older I get
Will I get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed

I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

The time between
Those cutting words
Built up our defenses never made no sense it just made me hurt
Do you believe
That time heals all wounds
It started getting better but it's easy 'nough to hide when I'm not with you

What was I waiting for
I should've taken less and given you more
I should've weathered the storm
I need to say so bad
What were you waiting for
This could have been the best we ever had

I'm just getting older
I'm not getting over you I'm trying to
I wish it didn't hurt like this
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

Moving

I don't like missing out on someone I care for.

Last few days have been pretty cold, I accepted a ride to work yesterday. Good thing too, cause if I hadn't I probably would've frozen the end of my nose off.

So, I am excited to be moving out January 1st. My friend Nate came and spent HOURS with me figuring out a functional budget and now I'm using a self-adjusting spreadsheet that makes it so so easy. I am finally saving money again! I am pretty deeply in debt, but paying that off slowly. Hopefully I will have my license back by the time I leave. :P Nine days til court date!

I'm a little bummed that we're not gonna be home for christmas. I just prefer to spend it at home, get up LATE, never get out of my jammies, sit around like a fart, and eat. ha ha AS it is we're going to be going to my grandparents place and staying in a hotel...which I know is going to be stressful for mom and dad lol etc... oh well, it'll still be christmas. Just a little wierd with other ppl around...I like it better with just the family.

So yeh, I'm done complaining for today lol

I went and sat in my car for a little bit the other day. It was nice. It didn't go anywhere. But it was nice. lol :)

The end.

Never Again

Past few days have been cold. Snow looks nice but is hard to deal with when you don't have a car. I am so tired of everything.

The other day at Hibbetts I got to chase down a shoplifter. :)

I hate it when something feels so cold and you know that inside it's so warm, but it's still so cold...

Lately I'm just focusing on getting ready for my final exams, getting ready for my court date, and getting ready to move to harrisonburg come January. I'm really tired of being stuck here and I'm becoming more and more anxious to get my license back. But overall I'm just so tired of everything. Tired of being so introspective. Tired of living with the consequences of messing up. I'm anxious to move away. I don't want anything to be the same after I do. And I don't ever want to fall for a girl again. Ever.

Smackdown!!

So going through my compilation of old songs today proved quite interesting and somewhat amusing. I ended up reading most of the stuff and there's lots...literally like a hundred songs. I was looking for the afore mentioned rap song I had started and ended up finding a few different songs I wouldn't mind rewriting. :) It was kind of fun, but anyway I did find that one song and I'm gonna throw it together pretty soon if I can.

I didn't spend as much time working on homework today as I had anticipated...it was one of those cold rainy days where all you want to do is sit by the fire and stay warm. So, right now I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go to SAC tonight and join the youth events. I enjoy the whole "youth" experience because it seems the focus is less on structure, presentation and condemnation, and more on the working as a body of individuals in one big Body of Christ.

So I've pondered the question: Why is it that EVERY TIME I start to move forward, start to get on track, start to feel like I'm going somewhere with money, school, anything...God takes the ground right out from under my feet? I still don't know the answer but I think He's trying to say something.

Perhaps I am meant to fight. Always fight. Or...maybe I'm on the wrong path in those regards. I don't know...

Time

Today took forever. I was late for classes and my homework is late and I'm pretty sure I did terribly on the calculus test. I'm going to work hard all day tomorrow on this stuff to make sure my semester doesn't come to a tragic end.

Its funny. You know, we always hear the words that people will remember your mistakes and your mistakes will mold who you are...but I never really swallowed it until recently. There really is no way to go back and undo things you've done. I am a fairly unrealistic guy a lot of times. There is a place for being irrational. But that place for me is surely not here, not now. And it would be irrational to hope that things would heal up quicker than they are.

I used to find comfort in being alone, dwelling on my feelings, and music. It has taken a very real smack upside the head to get me to a place where I don't allow myself to feed off that stuff. It's funny...the songs I write (which I write all the time) always reflect what I am pursuing. I hadn't written any songs at all for almost two months until just recently. And I find myself singing the songs I wrote at summer camp, songs about Him. I'm so lost and far from Him and I don't want to let it slip away again to where He is just second in my life. He's brought me to this place and I will use it to glorify Him.

Sometimes I wish there was a place where no one else could reach, where I could be alone with Him. I am learning to trust Him to take me there.

Other than all that, my finals are done on the 15th I believe and I really can't wait. I want school and my court date to be over. Then...then, I can relax ha ha.

I think I'm gonna finish up a rap song I started when I was about...eh...15? ha ha, it'll be fun.

Good day

It was a beautiful day today. Spent most of it outside, some of it playing soccer with beau. It's amazing how much more in shape I am now! I can't imagine why... ha ha. I really enjoyed the weather and seeing my friends this evening. I get a lot out of the bible study at the Wells' and tonight was great. Got to see Calvin and finally give him his shirt back and got to say goodbye to Dani and wish her good luck on the next few weeks.
I'm beginning to put some things together in my head. And it seems like it'll all work out. Sometimes maybe things are best left unspoken and it seems like perhaps i just need to understand and take things as they are. I have no reason nor do I have a place to rush through the fixing of mistakes I've made. And honestly...at this point I am happy with what I have. It's more than I expected.

I thank my Lord for where I am right now...and I sincerely hope to get closer to where I'm supposed to be as each day turns into another. In the grand scheme of life, He is always in control. And I no longer have any doubts about that.

I Need You

face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
i fight the waves, feel you lift me up
can't deny, it burns me up inside
i fan the flames to melt away my pride
i only had a second to spare but
all of the time in the world to know you're there
you are the shelter from the rain
and the rain to wash me away

Yeh

I'm really frustrated today.

Perspective

Today was a cold day. Worked the black friday early bird hours from 4am to 1pm and then rode home. It was a long cold ride and I didn't think much about anything except getting home. Especially since my legs are killing me this week. Oh well, it's fun being torn up and sore :)
Found out today that my dad doesn't really like the idea of actually fighting in the local fight arena. Thought about it a bit today and...honestly, I don't know if I want to be known as a "brute". I enjoy fighting technique and laying into my punching bag, but I don't know... I will have to think about it.
I also thought about other things today. This coming time in my life is going to be different. I have been finding that focusing on other things besides seeking my soul mate has been the ideal way of life for me right now. There are so many things I need to focus on without all the distraction. I am completely confident that God will bring us together at the right time and will show me who He has chosen for me to be with. Until then, I will offer my heart to no one and I will turn away from my own spontaneity. I want share this life fully with someone and be secure in knowing it is God's will.
I keep thinking about my friends who are away for the holiday and hoping they're having a great time. It's hard when people you care for are so hard to reach.
Anyway, I have to work fedex this morning at 0330 so I am going to head to bed.

Thank You

Today is a day dedicated to giving thanks. Every year I enjoy the fun preparation with my family, the big dinner and then the crazy (and sick) feeling of playing soccer with the family right after dinner. I want to thank God for that. But even more, I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for His mercy, His love, His grace. I will never fully understand it.
He has given me a beautiful and loving family to grow up in, and the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. Sometimes I get so caught up in praying for things that I don't have that I forget to thank Him for what seems to be taken for granted.
I have a long ways to go before I am ready to move on to greater things anyway...and I get discouraged about it a lot. I often feel like I am so behind. I pray that He'll bring me and That Girl, whoever He's destined me with, together...while I really would have nothing to offer if He did. And that's just one of many examples of the ways that He always seems to know what's best...even when I don't see it.
As for now, my trust is in Him. And God knows I will work my rear off to get to where I need to be!
But today... Thank you. To my dear friends, my loving family, and my Lord.

Square One

Today was a very normal day, and it kind of made a few things clear in my mind in being so normal: Things won't change overnight. And sometimes it seems, even forgiveness won't cover the consequences of things done wrong. I wish the consequences were physical, or monetary or something instead of emotional and relational.
Square one doesn't exactly feel like a starting place anymore. It kind of feels like just...continuing. I wanted it to be a springboard. But alas, sometimes forgiveness is the sun you can only feel through the stained glass. In time the glass will break and trust will take over, so until then I am praying desperately for patience.

A new day

What a season. So many things gone wrong, so many mistakes and so many different ways to start over. I have come to a place where I feel that God is giving me the opportunity to start over in a lot of different things. He says that His grace is new every morning and I have seen it firsthand even though I never seem to do the right things. I have to step back and just look at the beautiful season that passed right before my eyes into ashes and wonder why I keep losing everything I gain. And then I have to come to the only conclusion that makes any sense: God is bringing me to a place where I have to focus on only Him and rely on Him and not myself in order to live the life He wants me to lead.
My mistakes are far from acceptable but I refuse to be torn down, rather I am gaining strength from knowing I will carry through. I look intensely forward to starting from square one.