The Truth About Ourselves

Every man, not very holy or very arrogant, has to "live up to" the outward appearance of other men: he knows there is that within him which falls far below even his most careless public behaviour, even his loosest talk. In an instant of time -- while your friend hesitates for a word -- what things pass through your mind? We have never told the whole truth. We may confess ugly FACTS -- the meanest cowardice or the shabbiest and most prosaic impurity -- but the TONE is false. The very act of confessing -- and infinitesimally hypocritical glance -- a dash of humour -- all this contrives to dissociate the facts from your very self. No one could guess how familiar and, in a sense, congenial to your soul these things were, how much of a piece with all the rest: down there, in the dreaming inner warmth, they struck no such discordant note, were not nearly so odd and detachable from the rest of you, as they seem when they are turned into words. We imply, and often believe, that habitual vices are exceptional single acts, and make the opposite mistake about our virtues -- like the bad tennis player who calls his normal form his "bad days" and mistakes his rare successes for his normal. I do not think it is our fault that we cannot tell the real truth about ourselves; the persistent, life-long inner murmur of spite, jealousy, prurience, greed and self-complacence, simply will not go into words. But the important thing is that we should not mistake our inevitably limited utterances for a full account of the worst that is inside.

A very interesting note.

I have no idea how many people actually read this when I post regularly, but for those who DO, I haven't posted in a while and I'd like to start again.

Sometimes though there is so much to say, but when I sit down and actually try to articulate the thoughts into words, the point gets completely lost and usually I end up deleting it because it starts to read like a bad joke ha ha.

I'll start posting my daily CS Lewis devotional again...at least those who read it will get a good thought for the day as well.

A Good Time Was Had by All

By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we may be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness--the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, "what does it matter so long as they are contented?" We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven--a senile benevolence who, as they say, "liked to see young people enjoying themselves", and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, "a good time was had by all". Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction.

CS Lewis

A favorite so far.

We have two bits of evidence about the Somebody. One is the universe He has made. If we used that as our only clue, then I think we should have to conclude that He was a great artist (for the universe is a very beautiful place), but also that He is quite merciless and no friend to man (for the universe is a very dangerous and terrifying place). The other bit of evidence is that moral law, the Holy Spirit, which He has put into our minds. And this is a better bit of evidence than the other, because it is inside information. You find out more about God from the Holy Spirit than from the universe in general just as you find out more about a man by listening to his conversation than by looking at a house he has built.

CS Lewis

I am a bit irked at the mention of God being merciless and no friend to man. This, I believe, is simply not true. While He is a great and terrifying God at times, His mercy is new every morning and it not just our fear of Him that He desires, but also our relationship with Him...our friendship. I do, however, agree that the Holy Spirit is the living Word with which we are connected most closely to the Father. Some people use the Bible as their primary source of learning and doctrine, and call it the Word. But the Word came alive as Jesus Christ and then came into our hearts as the Holy Spirit and we are meant to live our faith in Him with the Law of the Spirit written on our hearts. So much closer, more alive, and more real a connection between the Father and His children!

Something Beyond

I think all Christians would agree with me if I said that though Christianity seems at the first to be all about morality, all about duties and rules and guilt and virtue, yet it leads you on, out of all that, into something beyond. One has a glimpse of a country where they do not talk of those things, except perhaps as a joke. Every one there is filled full with what we should call goodness as a mirror is filled with light. But they do not call it goodness. They do not call it anything. They are not thinking of it. They are too busy looking at the source from which it comes. But this is near the stage where the road passes over the rim of our world. No one's eyes can see very far beyond that: lots of people's eyes can see further than mine.

CS Lewis

Damned Nonesense

If you do not take the distinction between good and bad very seriously, then it is easy to say that anything you find in this world is a part of God. But, of course, if you think some things really bad, and God really good, then you cannot talk like that. You must believe that God is separate from the world and that some of the things we see in it are contrary to His will. Confronted with a cancer or a slum the Pantheist can say, 'If you could only see it from the divine point of view, you would realize that this is also God.' The Christian replies, "Don't talk damned nonsense.' For Christianity is a fighting religion. It thinks God made the world--that space and time, heat and cold, and all the colours and tastes, and animals and vegetables, are things that Gd 'made up out of His head' as a man makes up a story. But it also thinks that a great many things have gone wrong with the world that God made and that God insists, and insists very loudly, on our putting them right again.

CS Lewis

Interesting!!

A Pleasan Theology

One reason why many people find Creative Evolution so attractive is that it gives one much of the emotional comfort of believing in God and none of the less pleasant consequences. When you are feeling fit and the sun is shining and you do not want to believe that the whole universe is a mere mechanical dance of atoms, it is nice to be able to think of this great mysterious Force rolling on through the centuries and carrying you on its crest. If, on the other hand, you want to do something rather shabby, the Life-Force, being only a blind force, with no morals and no mind, will never interfere with you like that troublesome God we learned about when we were children. The Life-Force is a sort of tame God. You can switch it on when you want, but it will not bother you. All the thrills of religion and none of the cost. Is the Life-Force the greatest achievement of wishful thinking the world has yet seen?

CS Lewis

Enemies of Goodness

It is no use either saying that if there is a God of that sort--an impersonal absolute goodness--then you do not like Him and are not going to bother about Him. For the trouble is that one part of you is on His side and really agrees with his disapproval of human greed and trickery and exploitation. You may want Him to make an exception in your own case, to let you off this one time; but you know at bottom that unless the power behind the world really and unalterably detests that sort of behaviour, then He cannot be good. On the other hand, we know that if there does exist an absolute goodness it must hate most of what we do. This is the terrible fix we are in. If the universe is not governed by an absolute goodness, then all our efforts are in the long run hopeless. But if it is, then we are making ourselves enemies to that goodness every day, and are not in the least likely to do any better tomorrow, and so our case is hopeless again. We cannot do without it, and we cannot do with it. God is the only comfort, He is also the supreme terror: the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from. He is our only possible ally, and we have made ourselves his enemies. Some people talk as if meeting the gaze of absolute goodness would be fun. They need to think again. They are still only playing with religion. Goodness is either the great safety or the great danger--according to the way you react to it. And we have reacted the wrong way.

CS Lewis

O Taste and See

The Christian statement that only He who does the will of the Father will ever know the true doctrine is philosophically accurate. Imagination may help a little: but in the moral life, and (still more) in the devotional life we touch something concrete which will at once begin to correct the growing emptiness of our idea of God. One moment even of feeble contrition or blurred thankfulness will, at least in some degree, head us off from the abyss of abstraction. It is Reason herself which teaches us not to rely on Reason only in this matter. For Reason knows that she cannot work without materials. When it becomes clear that you cannot find out by reasoning whether the cat is in the linen cupboard, it is Reason herself who whispers, 'Go and look. This is not my job: it is a matter for the senses'. So here. The materials for correcting our abstract conception of God cannot be supplied by Reason: she will be the first to tell you to go and try experience--'Oh, taste and see!" For of course she will have already pointed out that your present position is absurd. As long as we remain Erudite Limpets we are forgetting that if no one had ever seen more of God than we, we should have no reason even to believe Him immaterial, immutable, impassible and all the rest of it. Even that negative knowledge which seems to us so enlightened is only a relic left over from the positive knowledge of better men--only the pattern which that heavenly wave left on the sand when it retreated.

CS Lewis

Not Naked but Reclothed

Our own situation is much like that of the erudite limpets. Great prophets and saints have an intuition of God which is positive and concrete in the highest degree. Because, just touching the fringes of His being, they have seen that He is plenitude of life and energy and joy, therefore (and for no other reason) they have to pronounce that He transcends those limitations which we call personality, passion, change, materiality, and the like. The positive quality in Him which repels these limitations is their only ground for all the negatives. But when we come limping after and try to construct an intellectual or 'enlightened' religion, we take over these negatives (infinite, immaterial, impassible, immutable, etc.) and use them unchecked by any positive intuition. At each step we have to strip off from our idea of God some human attribute. But the only real reason for stripping off the human attribute is to make room for putting in some positive divine attribute. In St Paul's language, the purpose of all this unclothing is not that our idea of God should reach nakedness but that it should be reclothed. But unhappily we have no means of doing the reclothing. When we have removed from our idea of God some puny human characteristic, we (as merely erudite or intelligent enquirers) have no resources from which to supply that blindingly real and concrete attribute of Deity which ought to replace it. Thus at each step in the process of refinement our idea of God contains less, and the fatal pictures come in and we reach at last mere zero and worship a nonentity.

CS Lewis

Imagine a Mystical Limpet

Why are many people prepared in advance to maintain that, whatever else God may be, He is not the concrete, living, willing, and acting God of Christian theology? I think the reason is as follows. Let us suppose a mystical limpet, a sage among limpets, who (rapt in vision) catches a glimpse of what a Man is like. In reporting it to his disciples, who have some vision themselves (though less than he) he will have to use many negatives. He will have to tell them that Man has no shell, is not attached to a rock, is not surrounded by water. And his disciples, having a little vision of their own to help them, do get some idea of Man. But then there come erudite limpets, limpets who write histories of philosophy and give lectures on comparative religion, and who have never had any vision of their own. What they get out of the prophetic limpet's words is simply and solely the negatives. From these, uncorrected by any positive insight, they build up a picture of Man as a son of amorphous jelly (he has no shell) existing nowhere in particular (he is not attached to a rock) and never taking nourishment (there is no water to drift it towards him). And having a traditional reverence for Man they conclude that to be a famished jelly in a dimensionless void is the supreme mode of existence, and reject as crude, materialistic superstition any doctrine which would attribute to Man a definite shape, a structure, and organs.

CS Lewis

Suppose We Really Found Him?

It is always shocking to meet life where we thought we were alone. "Look out!" we cry, "it's alive!" And therefore this is the very point at which so many draw back. And "impersonal God" --well and good. A subjective God of beauty, truth and goodness, inside our own heads --better still. A formless life-force surging through us, a vast power which we can tap -- best of all. But God Himself, alive, pulling at the other end of the cord, perhaps approaching at an infinite speed, the hunter, king, husband --that is quite another matter. There comes a moment when the children who have been playing at burglars hush suddenly: was that a REAL footstep in the hall? There comes a moment when people who have been dabbling in religion suddenly draw back. Supposing we really found Him? We never meant it to come to THAT! Worse still, supposing HE had found US?...

CS Lewis

Almost Over Now

Hey there baby
What's this in your eyes?
it's almost over now..
Don't you worry
I won't make you cry
it's almost over now..
Hey there baby
Why the cloudy skies?
it's almost over now..
You'll have your way
and I'll say my goodbyes
it's almost over now..

chorus:
tired of hurting
tired of love
looking for something that just won't come
i decided i'm learning
i don't want to love
ain' looking for no one to change my mind

dissapating
i am left undone
and bleeding out on the ground
distant, fading
you will soon be gone
and it's almost over now..

(rpt chorus)

its such a strange way to exist
twist me to shreds if i resist
this ignorance was never bliss
kiss any memories goodbye
o goodbye...

(rpt chorus)

Beauty exists when broken things mend. The war is won.

For every moment spent moving forward I give praise.

Rubble

Born in september mom and dad resent her
Forlorn nights in a tent her only home she remembers
Left to fend for herself on her tenth year in hell
Common sense and street smarts, walks a fence as she starts the hunt
Out in the night sweeps the streets as she seeks sustainance
Hoping to find something that's gonna be enough for lunch and its hard
She hunts and its cold and dark, it's night
A basket on her shoulder to hold what she might
Find, but the night fades to gray
So she fights through the day
Feels the bites of the pains
Of hunger that makes it a joke to pray
In time she starts to listen to lies in her head
About reasons and seasons for life living dead
The cruel voice is searing her mind in it's vice
And she knows she has choice but the noise wont suffice
and she doesn't feel so young, she's begun to wonder as it haunts her
Seeking why life has flung her in the slum and no one wants her
as tonite she hunts the dumps, the drains, the back alleyways
and as the winter sun sets she goes out on her raids
Trash cans and bus stops, piles of garbage and whatnot,
Tonight all she finds stuck in a knot of wood a nut caught
But that's all that she gets to, in her mind she's alone
Out in a world that won't care, she's out there on her own
A lump wells in her throat and she fights to ignore it
But after days of no hope seems to have nothing for it
The pain's the same and day by day doesn't change and
The waning moon hangs up there framed by the rain
Thru the night she fights but the wounds stay with her
And drag her down, down til her life starts to wither
and then for the first time since two years ago
She drops down to the ground, overburdened lets go, and

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now

And now she's on the ground, her feet failing to take her
Tell me what we can do now that's going to save her?!
She pulls her shawl 'round, the wind bites, starts to make her
Hands and feet go numb now, takin over to shake her
While the night closes in, forces catching her soul
With just the moon as a light the hard pavement is cold
She feels with her hand, tries to pull herself on
The basket with her meager days' findings is gone
And her heart runs on but out here she can't find
Anybody's warm hand to hold, no, the dream's in her mind
As the cold takes her over and her tears spill down
Streaking her face and dripping on her torn nighty gown
She cries for her mother and brother, back home they're
In bed,,doesn't matter, they won't hear her, won't come
Hopelesness fills the small helpless body that shivers
And no one is there to cry and feel the pain with her
With dust and dirt in her mouth, mud and grass in her hair
More than hunger and thirst, wishes someone was there
To hold her sweet head thru the terrible pain and to
Shelter her body from the frozen night rain
Well is there anyone there? Does nobody care?!
Why the are we silent when life isn't fair?
Our jobs and our money mean more than their pain
But if we could help them, be the shelter from rain
We would do these things unto the Father above
And have shown someone peace and the power of Love
And still

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now
She screams out
It's hollow and drowning
So weak now
There's thousands around her
But she is just the scenery
The pain she feels no one can see
She blends into the garbage and the rubble that we throw away

Love of Jesus rain down on this poor soul tonight and
Fill her up from the inside with your power and might and
Light her ways, oh God, give her the hope
That she needs to walk straight this precarious rope
Through your people, God work, put your children to action
Move us and use us with love and compassion
For anxiety, sadness is all that they've known and
For ages of worry it's all that they've sown and
Their small piles of rubble is all that they own and
They moan, for their hurt-torn souls are alone and
Father God, please help me to be selfless enough
To hold the starved and bruised bodies of these poor children up
And help me to remember every day when I pray
To Pray, God please help them just get thru one more day
And say: Oh God, rebuke me, my heart fails to care
And my eyes are so blind that I can't see them there anymore
Is it fair that we work for our paychecks and then
Go on out to some strip mall and liberally spend?
Or if we con't we put money away towards ourselves
To pay for a new car or to chock-stock our shelves?
Shame on us when we just walk on, just walk on
No so much as a glance for the right or the wrong
To the left or the right, we dare not cast a light
Lest we place all the things we like hidden in sight
Alright, so half us gathered in here tonight
Will go home, walk up the stairs, turn off the light
Forget all I just said as we climb into our beds
Rid it all from our heads, and dream of ourselves instead
And still

Amidst the frost and wintering
Some hopeless, helpless, little thing
A life, a flame, that might blow out
Our love, she just can't move without
She has no reason left to fight
And rubble is her bed at night
Tell her to cry and pray somehow
Cause no one's gonna save her now
She screams out
It's hollow and drowning
So weak now
There's thousands around her
But she is just the scenery
The pain she feels no one can see
She blends into the garbage and the rubble that we throw away

Humility

Today sucked.
I worked fedex and then came straight home on a bike, took a shower, and made a 2.5 hour trip thru snow on bike to staunton to work til 8. It sucked so bad. I'm not sure how I did it.
Gotta do it again tomorrow though. Fortunately the roads aren't half as bad anymore tho.
You know...I got very angry today. Out of the thirty or so trucks that passed me on the road, none of them responded to my "i want a ride" hitchiker's thumb. And of course there's that young driver (there is one every time I ride) who just wants to either get u dirty or pretend he's going to hit you and this guy sprayed me with wet snow from his truck by gunning the engine after he passed me. I was very upset by the time I got to work and I was hating people once again. I know it's a sin but...people suck. Anyhow, of course I was also selfish and feeling sorry for myself and that's a sin too. And so tonight...when I'm so worn down I can hardly see straight...I realized something. God becomse so much more real when you seek Him out of desperation and a humble heart. I have been nothing but humiliated for a while now and I came to God today and after being convicted of crappy language, I realized how foolish I am. How I still have so much compared to some people. Yes, I may not have driving privelages, or lots of money, but I have a beautiful family and I know a merciful God and that's a whole whole lot more than a lot of people can say.
I am humbled. And thankful.

Just Barely

So the other night I was getting ready to bike home and it was freezing outside and I'd forgotten my wallet that day so needless to say I was STARVED, especially after the bike ride that morning. Anyhow, I was feeling all sorry for myself and as I was pulling (pedaling) out and you know those bell-ringers who stand in front of the stores and...ring bells? ha ha, well there was like eight kids doing this one store and they were all like between eight and ten years old and I rode past them and they were like "merry christmas sir!" and this one kid, he told me I had a nice bike and it stopped me in my tracks. (Not literally, but u kno...) Anyhow, so I turned around and was asking about who they were doing the charity thing for and all that and they were so cute and warm-hearted and the rest of my ride home was great. God uses the simplest things.
Also, just watched War Of The Worlds with my sister and brother (the new one) and I decided I really want a little girl like Rachel in that movie. I wanted to be her daddy ha ha ha I felt so ridiculous, and WHOEVER IS READING THIS, U BETTER NOT EVER MENTION THAT TO ANYONE!!!!! lol

Anyhow, my calc final is tomorrow. Not ready but getting there.

God will continue to provide. Just barely. Ha ha

Another Foot Forward

Calc final on tuesday. I am anxious for it to be over.

Just watched The Muppets' Christmas Carol with the twins and sylvia. Beaker came into the picture and I laughed aloud remembering when lauren told me that that's one of her nicknames ha ha ha. Befitting ha ha

Trying to secure two jobs in Harrisonburg.

VERY tired and brain dead. I can hardly think of anything to write here.

It is good to put emotion aside to find where you really stand.

I am now battling my mind.

Curse this hatred for humankind. And curse the dreams that confuse reality.

Another foot forward.

Studying all day today.

Burying a goat in the frozen backyard in a few minutes.

Work this evening til 1030.

Final exam tomorrow.